Domestic violence isn’t always obvious: Recognizing control — and reaching for support
Sometimes the warning signs are quiet. You start seeing less of your friends because making plans with them always leads to tension at home. Family gatherings become rare — not because you want them to be, but because avoiding the fallout at home feels easier. Maybe your partner wants your phone passcode “so we’re honest with each other,” or insists that you leave your location sharing on “because I worry.” You find yourself saving receipts, explaining every purchase. At first, it all sounds reasonable — until you notice your world getting smaller and your choices don’t feel like your own.
This is what domestic or intimate‑partner violence can look like. It isn’t always loud or obvious. Abuse is about power and control — physical, emotional, financial or digital — and all of it is real.
Many people wonder if what’s happening in their relationship is “serious enough” or if it even counts as abuse. Sometimes, naming your experience is the hardest step. But it matters.
Domestic violence is far more common than most people realize, and it’s rarely just what gets reported to police. According to Statistics Canada’s 2024 release on police‑reported family and intimate partner violence ( https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/241024/dq241024b-eng.htm ), police reported 123,319 victims of intimate partner violence in 2023 — nearly four in five (78 per cent) were women and girls. Police data is only part of the picture, though, because many incidents never come to official attention.
In Alberta, demand for help remains high. Shelters province‑wide answered 53,391 calls for help in 2023–24 (https://acws.ca/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/2023-2024-ACWS-Report-on-Domestic-Violence-Shelter-Impact-in-Alberta.pdf ). In Calgary, Distress Centre responded to 164,780 contacts in 2024 (https://distresscentre.com/reports/2024-annual-report/ ).
Domestic violence affects people of every gender, age and background. Women are at the highest risk for serious injury or death. Transgender and non‑binary people are even more likely to face barriers — discrimination, not being believed and have even fewer gender‑affirming supports. Men are abused too, physically and emotionally, but often feel extra pressure to stay silent because of shame or the myth that “men aren’t victims.” No matter who you are, the impacts are real: fear, isolation, self‑doubt and the slow erosion of trust in your own instincts.
It doesn’t always start with shouting or end with bruises. Sometimes it’s a slow erosion of your self‑trust. You might catch yourself questioning your own memory or feelings, apologizing for things you didn’t do or wondering if you’re “just too sensitive.” You might feel like no matter what you do, you’re always walking on eggshells. If any of this sounds familiar, trust your gut. You don’t have to wait for things to get worse to deserve support.
Reaching out can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re still not sure what to call what’s happening. Sometimes the safest first step is simply talking to one person you trust — a friend, therapist or family member. It can also help to keep important documents where you can grab them quickly, save helpline numbers under an innocent name or plan a code word with someone close so they know when to check in.
** (These suggestions are consistent with guidance from YW Calgary and the Canadian Women’s Foundation: https://www.ywcalgary.ca/domestic-violence-crisis and https://canadianwomen.org/the-facts/gender-based-violence/ .)
Calgary & Alberta resources — open 24/7
· • YW Calgary Crisis Line (403‑266‑0707) — Domestic violence & crisis programs (https://www.ywcalgary.ca/domestic-violence-crisis )
· • Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter — Connect Helpline (403‑234‑SAFE) (https://www.calgarywomensshelter.com/shelter-programs/connect-helpline )
· • Distress Centre Calgary (403‑266‑HELP) — 24/7 crisis support, referrals (https://distresscentre.com/24-hour-crisis-support/ )
· • Alberta Family Violence Info Line (310‑1818) — call/text/chat; help in 170+ languages (https://familyresolution.alberta.ca/safety )
If you ever feel you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911.
Healing from abuse is possible. A trauma‑informed therapist can help you trust yourself again, untangle shame and fear at your pace, plan next steps, and rebuild a sense of safety on your own terms.
However it’s showing up in your life, it’s real—and you deserve support. Your experience matters and you are not alone. You deserve mornings without dread and nights that end in peace.
Whether you’re just starting to question what’s happening at home or you’re years into your healing, compassionate help is here. Lodestone psychologists are ready to listen whenever you are.
