National Self Compassion Day

Rachel Clare, MSW, RSW

Be Your Own Best Friend (Seriously!)

Imagine your best friend called you after a rough day. They forgot an important meeting, snapped at someone they love, and were convinced they had everything all wrong.

Would you respond with:
"Wow... you really messed that up. You should have known better."

Probably not.

You'd likely remind them that everyone has bad days, that they're doing the best they can, and that one mistake doesn't define who they are.

So here's the real question…

Why is it so much easier to be kind to everyone else than it is to ourselves?

Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, reminds us that self-compassion isn't about making excuses or giving yourself a free pass. It's about treating yourself with the same understanding, encouragement, and grace that you would naturally offer someone you care about.

The funny thing is, your nervous system is listening to every word you say to yourself.

According to Polyvagal Theory, when our inner critic is running the show, our body often responds as though we're under attack. Our heart races, our shoulders tense, our thoughts spiral, and suddenly even deciding what's for dinner feels like an Olympic event.

But when we respond with kindness instead of criticism, we send our nervous system a very different message:

"You're safe. We've got this."

Next time your inner critic pipes up, try this instead:

Take a slow breath. Let your exhale be a little longer than your inhale. Drop your shoulders (yes, they're probably up by your ears). Place a hand over your heart if it feels comfortable, and ask yourself:

"What would I say to my best friend right now?"

Then—here's the tricky part—say those words to yourself.

It might feel awkward at first. That's okay. Most of us have spent years perfecting our inner critic. Self-compassion is simply learning a new language.

And contrary to popular belief, self-compassion isn't selfish. It's maintenance.

Think of it like charging your phone. No one expects their phone to run forever on 2% battery, yet somehow we expect ourselves to keep giving, caring, parenting, working, helping, and problem-solving without ever plugging ourselves back in.

Taking a few moments to regulate your nervous system—to breathe, reset, or simply speak kindly to yourself—isn't taking away from others. It's filling your own cup so that what overflows is patience, presence, and compassion rather than exhaustion and frustration.

You deserve the same kindness you so freely offer everyone else.

After all, you're with yourself 24 hours a day. You might as well make that relationship a supportive one.

July 18 is National Self-Compassion Day so why not try being your own best friend for a day and see how it feels!